#4: Rain and The Hope It Brought

This rainy season has been able to bring me back to the time when myself was filled with dream. At that time, the dream seemed so much closer to get. However, as I took step closer to my dream, the burdens came along and made it harder to take every further step. The fear of failing was what burdened me so much. Well, it’s ok though. Wise man said, “your dream isn’t big enough if it doesn’t scare you”.  

I guess we wouldn’t have been able to know how hard the process would be when we hadn’t experienced it ourselves. Before plunging myself into this pursuing-dream ocean, I never knew the wave that crashed me would be so that hard. I thought I have been strong enough to bear with it. It turned out that, it was a no. No, I was not really that strong. The more I thought myself getting stronger, the more I felt myself getting weaker. The fact that I didn’t have much better plan for my future, except to pursue my dream, kept me holding on and forced myself to deal with all the burden. But again, still, as I took step further, the burden was getting harder and the fear was getting stronger.

“Hope is the only thing stronger than fear”

Some of you who love watching sci-fi movies perhaps has felt familiar with that quote already. Yes, it was from Hunger Games movie series. That epic quote is so much relatable to visualize how I cope with my fear. As I began to take this journey, I could realize that hope and fear are something that come hand in hand. What matter isn’t how to not have any fear at all, but more about how we can cope that fear by having more hope than the fear itself. Gaining hope isn’t something too complicated to do actually. We can have it by many ways. But there is this ONE way that I discovered throughout the journey of pursuing my dream and that way can only happen when it rains.

It began when I was in the middle of struggling to prepare for my IELTS test. I must admit that I am kind of person who got enough confidence about my English ability. I thought that I just needed to polish my ability to be able to conquer the IELTS test. But, as soon as I begun to take the preparation course, I realized that my ability was way less than enough, haha. The preparation course itself was really a struggling period :”)
In that period of time, I often questioned my own ability. I felt desperate so many times because my score couldn’t increase even just a bit although I’ve been working so hard on it. There was also moment when I shamelessly cried because I just couldn’t bear to imagine if I failed after all the effort I did. Whereas, I am not a kind of person who can easily cry. But at that time, I just couldn’t control and hold my tears from dropping. It’s funny though, how I could cry over that kind of thing because of the fear of failing, haha. But, no matter how hard the time is, there will always be hope there.

I cannot remember why exactly I started to build a habit to paying attention when the rain came. What I remember is that period of struggle lasted in the rainy season. What I remember is that when the day got cloudy and the rain started pouring, I could feel that my hope started to raise. As the rain dropped and reached out the ground, it drowned my fear and washed out my doubt. Through the rain, I could somehow feel recharged. It perhaps because I believe that rain always brings a very special moment when all my prayers can easily be granted by Him. Actually, I know this kind of thing for quite long time. However, I just could really internalize what it means and feel so hopeful because of it when I was in that state of being struggle.

Some might think it’s silly. But I’ll take that silliness delightfully for having that kind of faith. Because that, in fact, is always one of the reasons why I can stand still up until now. Since that, hardly can I find myself feeling so blue when the rain comes. Whereas, rain is often associated with a sorrow or melancholy feeling by people. But, it’s not for me now. It’s like giving a plant support to grow, the rain helps me to nurture the hope I hardly hold on myself.

On the days further before, I used to blame rain for ruining my day. My clothes, socks and shoes got soaked because of it. Basically, it spoiled my whole look. My perfect plan for a day got canceled because of it. It made me harder to go to a place I wanted to go. It used to ruin my mood a lot. Although, I knew that I shouldn’t have those thought. But still, I couldn’t lie to my own heart. On those old days, I covered all my bad thoughts with a bitter smile. I still remember when I used to have that bitter smile on my way home riding motorcycle under the rain. When the rain got harder, the glass of my helmet got dewy and I couldn’t possibly see the road without opening it up. As I lifted it up, the rain struck hard right on my face and it hurt so bad like being slapped. That was just how I hate rain even more.

Meanwhile, when I have already known how special rain is, another similar setting in which I rode my motorcycle under a pretty hard rain, I smiled so sincerely. That was the time when I went back and forth for many kilometers away to prepare for my dream university registration. It still hurt when my face got struck by the heavy rain, but I didn’t mind at all. Because the heavier the rain was, my heart would be more excited to pray for my dream as my hope got escalated. And that bitter smile before changed to be the sincere one. Without being forced, the hatred shifted to a genuine grateful. And up until now, I cannot help but smile when the rain comes. Because there’s still a long long way for me to really accomplish what I dream. That hope and pray of mine, I hope they can always be there to accompany every drop of rain which falls to the earth.

Having a dream is not only about getting successful to reach it. It is more about the journey, how we can value the process within. Both joy and struggle are the part of it. The joy in the process will help us to be grateful for having such dream. While the struggle will help us to be resilient and finally prove that we deserve to have and accomplish that dream. When we can sincerely value the process, we’ll find ourselves shifted to a better version of oueselves. Just like me who used to blame the rain, while now can be sincerely grateful for it, my dream has helped me to change the way I see a thing.

It taught me that it is never a waste to have a dream. Even if in the end we face the worst scenario to not being able to achieve it, I believe that it is still precious. Because it’ll give us a big chance to be much better version of ourselves.😊

#3: A Quest of Finding the Why

It’s about setting a very first intention of our dream and deciding our goals ahead. Remembering that what we’ll reap in the future will be something that we’ve planted at the very beginning. Thus, we have to make sure that we plant only a good seed.

Other than that, doesn’t it also mean that when we don’t put Him into count at the very first step in setting our dream, it’ll turn to be a tremendous loss at the end of the day?

Finding the why might always be my favorite topic to write. This quest never fails me to be able to make me immersed with a deep thought, which I enjoy so much, and sometimes can bring me to find a real and better version of myself. Recalling the previous episode about dealing with myself, I would consider that this can be the very first step to tame myself. Thus, the one side which I considered as an enemy would eventually be able to support the dream I set, instead of obstructing me to achieve it. It, at least, could stop me from asking myself: “Am I doing the right thing?” or “Is it a worthy thing to do?”

I, personally, have met some people who thought that this step isn’t so that important. They thought that it is somehow a wasting-time activity and preferred to do something more beneficial, like a real action that can be seen the result. Well, I couldn’t disagree with them because what they said was reasonable. Finding why won’t give you something so spectacular to be shown off, even for your own self.

However, let us give it a break first and look at an analogy that I borrow from a wiser man.

Just like planting a seed under the soil, at first, you won’t be able to see the changes that happened inside it. Yet, you will be still willing to nurture it by giving it water every day with a hope that it’ll grow nicely. You know that even if you cannot see how well it’s been growing, it still keeps on growing silently under the ground where no one can see it, not even you, yourself, the one who planted it. It will be just like that, more or less. Finding the why is the way to nurture your dream silently which is as vital as getting a real visible action itself.

First and foremost, I started finding the why by having a conversation with my own self. It’s not so that simple though. There were so many desires and thoughts inside my mind, that I barely could even understand what I truly wanted or thought. Having this kind of conversation was a moment when I tried to tame my own self with all of those thoughts and one the best way to do it was by writing. Through writing, I could pour almost every thought from many sides of me which sometimes contradicted one another. It then could help me to interpret every abstract thought floating in my head to be some words that I could understand. This is just how I do the conversation with my own self when the thoughts of mine start to stress me out.

Dreaming to study abroad is a pretty big deal. Moreover, it was the UCL we talk about. Counting only on my own would never be enough, FOR SURE. So that’s why I need a lot more powerful and bigger support. While this kind of support will only be able to be provided by The Almighty. Thus, I demanded my self to find the why which was not only reasoning about worldly desires of mine but also can help me to get His blessing for my entire life. This shouldn’t be only about getting the world in my hand, but more about bring me closer to the eternal glory. I should find more than a good reason to persuade Him for giving His blessing to what I dream. I had to make sure that the journey, that I was about to take, could be supported by and make me closer to Him, instead of driving me away from Him.

But how?

I got stuck remembering that the field I studied basically doesn’t closely related to the religious kind of thing. Biomedical Engineering is all about this world affair and so is the major that I want to take for my master degree. Besides, if I get accepted, I will live in a Muslim-minority foreign country. It’ll be harder for me to fit in and do the compulsory things I must do. Furthermore, the feasible and most possible way I picture myself in the future will be far from being in a religious environment. I drowned in this confusion and questions for quite a time:

Am I taking the wrong direction after all this time?

Is almost everything I studied for years completely useless because it couldn’t contribute to my future in the afterlife?

Then, should I never dream of pursuing this master degree?

Should I just give up on this dream and start to look for another more religious dream?

After trying to figure it all alone by myself, I realized that it was out of my capacity to know the answer. Besides, there had been a tendency for me to take a side keep on this dream which made my valuation would be more likely to be less objective. Thus, I asked some people who know a lot better than me. At first, I got an answer which suggests me to change my dream because it’ll be better if I owned a dream which seems to be obviously able to take me closer to Him, rather than this secularistic dream. Well, I accepted and respected that suggestion, but I couldn’t say that I was not upset. It won’t ever be easy to be asked for giving up a dream.

Some part of me wanted to obey that advise, while some were still holding on to the dream. I felt guilty inside that I found myself been thinking more about this world-related career rather than my afterlife. On top of that, it was like hurting the principle that I always want to hold on to, which is: the very reason God created us was for us to worship Him.

It took me long enough to finally be brave to ask another opinion to another person because I was afraid that it would be the same answer just like last time. This time, however, I got a different perspective which encouraged me to keep pursuing my dream. The one who advised me said that there is nothing wrong about dreaming anything as long as the very first intention of mine is not for my own importance. Meaning, all of those should be directed back to Him, that my very first intention is to seek for His blessings. And that is how worshiping Him should be meant, after all. Moreover, another thing is that the way you take for achieving it must be on the way that blessed by Him, not in the way that conducive His anger. Hence, as long as I can fulfill those conditions, it’ll be just fine. As I got this answer, I felt so relieved in some points :”)

For that, I thought that my quest of finding the why has been completed. I have been totally sure to proceed what I’ve been dreaming about. However, in fact, it didn’t just stop there. Just a couple days ago, a video showed up to my youtube video recommendation list. Without any expectation of gaining anything related to that kind of topic, I opened it up just to fulfilling my curiosity. The case brought up was more or less the same as my problem. The thing I profoundly got was that Allah is the one who makes all knowledge. All kind of knowledge, as long as it can benefit society in some way, it is always valued by Him. Knowledge itself is sacred to Him. By knowing this, I felt like gaining more courage and blessing to have this dream.

By that, I can conclude this quest for now. I’ve been in a state of me being certain enough with my own self and choices. Since I have made peace with myself now and grab every side of me to support this dream along with any struggles which might follow.

Finding the why is not a one-night-done kind of step. It takes time and process. Finding the why is about constructing a foundation for our dream so it won’t easily tremble. It will be and should always be something we hold on, to guide and remind us of why we decided to start our journey in the first place.

P.s.
The video’s link I talked about: https://youtu.be/VyH4JUjSmLE

#2: Me vs Myself

Being the main character in a story means that you should be able to defeat every antagonist that thwart your way to your goal. Just like Cinderella who should deal with her stepmother, Sherlock Holmes with James Moriarty, or even Muhammad Al-Fatih with the ruler of Constantinople, the main character will be obstructed by some what-so-called enemy(ies), FOR SURE. Never hope that your story will be only filled with joy and excitement, because it simply cannot be done that way 🙂

Then, how if you find that your true enemy is your own self?
Just like the wise men say.

After gaining the hope, just like what I put in the previous post, I still couldn’t simply make peace with myself along the way. I keep questioning myself a lot, “How if I’m not worthy”, even until I had my application being submitted. Whereas, I found myself being surrounded by a lot of supportive environments, including family, friends, seniors, even lecturers. To be honest, I could get rid of that thought not until I got the LoA :”)

I met a lot of people who know my dream and they got a notion like: “I am sure that you got this because it’s you” or something like, “If it’s you, then surely it can be accomplished”. . . . 🙂

That “it’s you” was the thing that bothered me so much. It seemed like they couldn’t really understand how hard it is to accomplish the dream I own or how big my dream is.
“The dream I speak here is the UCL. Do you simply believe that I can be accepted?”
The idea that I got from her (in the previous post), I couldn’t help to not to recall it, it kept echoing inside me.
People didn’t seem to know that there would be so many hard struggles ahead of me if I keep pursuing this dream. I, myself, had to think many times to be able to convince myself. Then, how on earth they could simply say, “Well, I believe you can do it” . . . . 🙂

I wondered how people could be so convinced just because it’s me. It doesn’t mean that because it’s me, then something so hard to achieve could be easier. Well, they might see me as the one who could achieve a couple of accomplishments. But, they never knew how I struggled and was lucky enough to have such accomplishments at that time. To be honest, I preferred to consider myself having luck rather than having capability to achieve those. Besides, those accomplishments I got before were like nothing compared to this dream. Thus, I was insecure that for this such a big dream, luck wouldn’t be enough and I didn’t have the proper capability to be worthy enough to achieve it.

People who got such notion might only know how I appear from the outside. They thought they saw someone who got a lot of positiveness inside her. But, I know myself inside and out. I know the weaknesses I owned that couldn’t be seen by them. And because of those unseen weaknesses, I hardly could believe in my own self. They simply could be convinced because they don’t know what I know.

The “it’s you” idea had also put more burden on me somehow. It’s because I saw it as a very high expectation they set for me. Then, if I had failed, I would have disappointed, not only myself but also the people who believed in me. If I had failed, they would have found out that I’m not so that worthy as they expected. Moreover, the worst of it would be that they couldn’t believe and support me anymore because of the dissapointment.

—-||—-

Until one fine evening, I had a really nice meal with a person which I consider as one of the special ones. She gave me the same “it’s you” notion when I told her my dream. Then, I told her my concerns just like what I wrote above. However, this time she gave me the explanation behind that “it’s you” notion. More or less, here is her advice at that time:

“There must be reasons we can be so convinced that you can achieve what you dream, even if it’s the UCL we talk about. We see you as the one who was able to make her dream comes true of going abroad when a lot of high-school students at that time only could dream about it. We might not know exactly how your struggle was, but we know the definition of struggle itself. We know that struggle never means easy.”

I forgot :”)
I forgot that everyone has their own struggle(s) in life. They knew that struggling is a word which indicates hard work. They were also people who dream of something and strive for it so that it could be realized. I might not even know that there were some of them who struggled for being at the place they are now. Indeed, they couldn’t know exactly how I struggled, but they could picture how the word “struggle” means.
In fact, I was the one who underestimate them of not knowing what struggle is. And I was the one who has bad thought of my own self, not them.

Then, she continued . . . .

“The way we see you is based on the perspective we own. When we see the goodness in you, then it is indeed something you have in yourself. We see you just the way you are. You might indeed have weaknesses that cannot be seen by us, but you also have this positive side that we can see. It will be such a waste when you only focus on your weaknesses. Try out our perspective to see yourself so that you can value yourself more.”

“In the end, if you fail, we won’t simply change the way we see you. When u fail, it is not because you are not worthy. We will believe that it is not the best scenario Allah prepared for you.”

—-||—-

Well, well 🙂 After all this time? ALWAYS.
It was always me. After. All. This. Time. *bitter smile 🙂 All the bad thoughts I had, came from none other than my own mind. All that time, the antagonist for my story was my own self.
Then how to deal with it?
The based-on-me measures, I might discuss them on the next post. Let me know if u’ll be excited about it, haha. It could perhaps give me some more energy to write *halah
Last but not least, the thing that I called as luck was actually His blessing and generosity towards me that never be absent to accompany me in every step I took.

AND~~~ once again, stay positive 🙂 Don’t let the anything obstructs you to be a better you ❤

#1: A Hope between Her and Him

A small possibility never means there isn’t any chance at all. Eight years ago, I used those words to convince myself not to be afraid to register in a high school in which I only got 1% possibility to be accepted. Then, Allah let me prove that a small possibility should not be an excuse to put a cessation of what I’ve dreamt of.

UCL was not quite my first dream university. Early on, I dreamt to study in Germany, before moving my vision to Japan. I never put United Kingdom (UK) on my list before and cannot remember exactly when I started to possess a dream to study at UCL. As far as I can remember, it was in late 2018 when I found a master program that fits my current study. I was scrolling on findmaster.com when I found it after some clicks on the other university options.

I went browsing deeper about the program and the university itself. I’ve never heard UCL before this so when I googled UCL, I found myself quite thrilled because the university stands amongst the top 10 best universities worldwide (QS version). Other than that, I also found that the program offered by UCL could hardly be found in other universities. As I searched deeper, I got more motivated because the modules for that program do relate so much with what I learned in my bachelor study and my big dream for years to come. It somehow told me that the program is the best choice to bridge the present to the future that I’ve been dreaming of.

Day by day, the dream grew stronger in mind. Until one fine day, I attended an info session for one of UK’s universities arranged by a study agent* in Surabaya. Since I knew that study in the UK was also included in the focus of the study I agent, I met their representative after the general session to ask further whether they could help me to apply at UCL. However, the answer was quite shocking.

She (the representative) said, “Do you know that UCL is one of UK’s top 5 universities? Along with … (She mentioned other 4 universities)”

I replied, “Well, yes I’ve known it. I’ve searched for it before.” I put a smile on my face, hoping that she replied that the agent would gladly help. But, it seemed that I put too much expectation on that.

“I am so sorry for you. But, it will be really difficult to get accepted in those top 5 universities. There is some kind of unwritten rule in which only the UK citizen would be prioritized to enter the universities. Thus, it will be really difficult for Indonesian to get accepted.” Dang!! my pupils widened as I got that information from her.

It turned my hope upside down. My mind began to wander, thinking after all this time, it was just a naive unreachable dream which was dreamt by a silly girl who is not a noble citizen of the UK. I felt hopeless. After that very day, I tried to burden my dream and find other universities which would be ‘proper’ enough for me. But still, none of them appealed to me just like the way my tried-to-be-forgotten dream university. While at the same time I also started to lose belief in myself.

The period of finding a new dream university lasted quite long. Fortunately, I never thought to give up my dream to study abroad. In the early of 2019, I attended the study-abroad fair which became the turning point of my hopeless period. It still feels like a really beautiful fate prepared by Allah for me when I met him at that fair. Had I not met him, I would have never dared to dream of studying at UCL ever again.

He was a very humble man who had a dry sense of humor and introduced himself as an alumnus of UCL. He was the speaker at the class session at that fair. In the Q&A session, I asked him whether the information that I got from the study agent is true that it is hard for the Indonesian’s commoner, like us, to get accepted at UCL.

Then, he answered, “I’ve also ever asked the same question to that kind of agent and I got just the same answer as yours. But then, I found that it is completely wrong because I have proven myself that I could be accepted and graduated from one of those big 5 universities in the UK they spoke about.”

After hearing the real evidence that it was very much possible to study at UCL, the confidence in me started to bloom again. But I could not lie that it was still hard to rebuild such self-belief which has ever fallen apart for not a short time. There was still fear that kept asking how if I will fail in the end. As the top university worldwide, I reckoned that there would be also an abundance of dreamers out there who were just like me, dreaming to be the part of the school. The possibility for me might just only as few as 1%. However, this time, Allah let me gain the hope that I needed most. The hope, which was the only thing stronger than fear. The hope, which could appreciate every single possibility and encourage it to be a chance.

As I think of it now, perhaps that was a process how Allah wanted me to go through. Had I not met her first and asked her the question, I might have been over-confident whereas it was still too early for me to feel confident enough when I still did nothing yet. Then, Allah showed me hope again after quite some time, through a man whom I just met, whose name I could barely remember. It made me realize how easy is for Allah to turn the feeling of His people, even only by words. Besides, the thing that I am always grateful for is that He put both fear and hope so thoroughly in a just very right portion at the very right time.

P.s.
*study agent: an agent which will help you to apply at your wanted university overseas. They usually do it for free. There are many of them in Surabaya. Despite what I’ve mentioned above about a particular agent, I ended up getting help from another study agent which is really helpful.

A Prologue: Everyone Has Their Own Story

Every single person has their own story. I believe the idea in which everyone is the main character in their storybook. For the ones who love reading novels and have already read dozens of them, they must have understood that every story has its own universe and plot made by the author for the main character. The story, however, will not exactly the same between one book and another one.

Going to study abroad has been my dream for years. I started to collect information and insight about how fascinating studying abroad is since the early year of my college. I also asked people who have already tasted the journey to chase their dream to study at the postgraduate level abroad. However, I found the fact that the stories were not always a fairy-tale kind of story in which everything turned out to be a happy ending.

There were stories in which the person could achieve it as easy as ABC. There were also the ones who should experience so many failures before they could get acceptance. Nevertheless, there were also stories of people who still could not achieve it even though they have been struggling for years. Subsequently, I started to ask how will my story be written. I could barely believe that it will be the easy one because of the capability I own is not comparable with the ones who could achieve it as easy as ABC. On the other hand, I was also afraid that it will be the arduous one since I hardly could believe that I am as tough as them to bear such a struggle.

I used to think the things like:
“How if I can’t achieve it because I am not as worthy as her/ him?”
“How if I am not worthy enough because she/ he has a lot of tougher days than me? then, I am still doing just fine until this very day.” (now I realize that I should have felt grateful rather than thinking like that)
“How can I achieve my dream? when a better person like them still cannot achieve theirs.”

I can tell you now that those kinds of thoughts are worthless. Indeed, it is okay to hear others’ stories to get motivated and learn from their success or mistakes. But, once you get started to create your own, don’t get distracted by comparing yourself to others. All you have to do is to focus on your own self, the capability you have had, and what flaw that you can eradicate so that you can be upgraded and believe in yourself that you are worth enough to accomplish your dream.

The thing I learned from those stories I collected is that everyone has their own story. Just like a novel, the plot of the story could not exactly the same. Thus, I should not compare my own with others. I have to start making my own story by taking every step that I thought could bring me closer to my goal.

Then, here will be my story actualizing the dream I own. I decide to write them down here because I want to cherish the moment I have been through and be grateful for every favor given by Allah for me in every step I made. I do hope that the story will also be able to give some insight for you to keep believing that you can achieve what you dream.