Do I deserve my scores??

Haha, it’s just really funny how I see my score this previous semester. While I’m writing this now, I still wait for the last subject which hasn’t been published. This last one is kind of a big deal tho. Its credit is 3, so you know how it’ll affect the whole GPA (Grade Point Average).

Well, I do admit-without being arrogant AT ALL, like for really SURE- that my scores-so far- are good. But, they are too really good for me. I feel like they are not suitable for my ability or my knowledge. Many questions suddenly emerge to my mind. One of them is “Do I deserve to have those scores for sure? ”

When I try to remember how I started this semester, attended the lecture, or even had done some homework and assignments, I don’t feel like I deserve all those scores. I didn’t start this semester so well, in another word I wasn’t so determined. Why? At least I got a reason. My reason was that  I planned to skip this semester and ask for repetition in the next year. It sounds crazy, isn’t it? Haha. No. Actually, it was a little bit cool if I may say. I was being accepted to an exchange program. But in the end, that plan was not going so well.  And in fact, unfortunately, I had to cancel that program. Hahaaa *Scream and cry in silence :”)).

So yeah *sigh, as you can imagine, there was a girl who thought from the beginning that what she’ll do in the next 6 months is not worth, because she had to do the repetition next year. So, she decided to spend the day just “let it flow” without any proper effort. And then she faced the truth that the plan should be changed, meaning she doesn’t need to do the repetition next year.  Well, in this case, the “she” is me. I can say that in that point, I had lost for almost a half of semester. But want it or not, I should start over in the last 3 months before final semester examination.

About homework and assignments. There were so many of them in this semester. And I don’t think they could help me to understand the lecture better. In many times, I didn’t  know what I wrote on my paper. And in so many times, I didn’t submit the assignments because I hadn’t understood how to solve them. I didn’t want to just copy from another’s work and submit it. Well, I think that is a good principle, and indeed,  yes, it is. But, my mistake was too lazy to try solving them myself.  So, I let those assignments undone until a day before the exam. Perhaps, it helps me, but not so much. I can still barely understand the material.

Now, that you have known all those facts, how will you judge me? Do I deserve for the good scores???

If you know my scores, I don’t think you’ll say yes. Because for me, I don’t think I deserve them. My goodness, I can’t even guarantee that my knowledge equals to every score I get. It burdens me somehow.

I am not being arrogant that I am not grateful for those scores. I should have been happy for that beautiful scores. Yes, I am, but I am happy for something that I don’t deserve. They are just a bunch of alphabets which can’t represent how far I can understand.

So I am trying to remind myself when I start to be so proud of my scores, WHAT ARE YOU PROUD OF?? u have nothing but a bunch of ‘beautiful’ alphabets with a lack of knowledge.

Back to the very first goal, why do you want to study in this lecture? Is it for knowledge or just a score?

And in the end, the score won’t affect your effort for chasing the knowledge. Just like, Steve Jobs said, “Stay hungry, stay foolish.” You are a fool in this crowded big world. How can u be happy just because of that beautiful unrepresentative score?? You need a lot of very hard work, pal.

 

*P.S: all of those are truly just for myself. There isn’t any intention to insult anybody. Those are just a reflection of myself.